Been a while, huh? I realize that I owe all of my friends an enormous apology for suddenly dropping off the face of the Earth without warning a few months back. I'm alright, and no one's died or anything. Not literally, anyways. Symbollically... well, I'll get to that.
I... have no actually been gone from dA--I have a second account here. Assuming the fact that I HAVE been on this site but have simply been neglecting this account does earn me the eternal scorn of any of my friends reading this, I'll proceed with the explanation for me behavior or lack thereof.
As only one of my dA friends was informed of before my "disappearance", I have spent the last few years fighting through an identity crisis. I started a while ago, in 8th grade, but I didn't really notice it until I was in high school. It peaked during my sophomore and junior years of high school, and has now ended. But unfortunately, because of the outcome of this identity crisis, I'm now having to do some damage control, which is hopefully what this journal will accomplish for better or worse.
WavesofChaos is dead. He'd been dying from the inside out for years, but now he is no more. By time I snapped and shut myself out of this account, he'd become nothing more than a shell, a disguise for me to hide my true self behind. I am a different person now than I was when some of you first met me. It's not so much that I've changed as I've been forced to confront who and what I am, and I've had to reluctantly accept this. I have lied to some of you. Not by uttering untruths, but by clinging to that which was no longer true and allowing you to continue believing htat it still was.
My own inability to reconcile the person people knew me as with the person I had to accept that I was led to a lot of anxiety that I had to struggle with. I became depressed and my usual moderate self-loathing escalated into full of self-hatred. I despised this new me--the TRUE me--just as I was sure many of my friends and family would despise me. But I can no longer keep up the facade; I'm sick of lying. I can't do it anymore. I cannot bring myself to fully return to this account, because using this fake persona of mine makes me feel ill and suffocating. But I have friends here, friends that despite having never met face-to-face, I care about, and I couldn't go any longer leaving these friends hanging.
I... am not really comfortable proclaiming here what realization it was I made about myself. And I don't want to link to my new account either. Those of you who don't hate me by this point in my little rant and will actually respond to this, please Note me; I'll discuss no more in public than what will be contained in this journal. If you have no concerns with who I am, I would love to reconnect with you over my new account. If, though, you are disgusted with the new me for whatever personal reasons you may possess, I will understand, though I will be sorry. Any of you who chose not to maintain contact with me: I will miss you. I hope it doesn't come to that though, I really do...
Au revoir for now, my little Chickadees